Commentary: Girlie Elves

When I was a kid, my mom bought me a second hand Dragonlance book.  I have no idea the name of it.  That was probably one of the first true fantasy books I’ve ever read.  It was then I found my affection for the elves.

I enjoyed their loyalty, and their mischievous ways.  Hey, there are wood elves!  I have wood in my last name.  How cool is that when you are eleven?  Ha!  eleven, elven, so close. 

Fast forward several years.  My wife introduces me to MMO’s.  EQ1, guess what I get to be?

My wife and I in EQ

My wife and I in EQ

That’s right!  I’m a wood elf!  I found this one of the coolest features in EQ.  I’m my favorite fantasy character!  W00t!  I really enjoyed playing him.  A wood elf druid.  At the time he could throw down some decent DPS, and heals.  Basically, I’d taxi everyone where they wanted to go and back up the whole team where needed.  It kept me busy.  (Later to be nerfed to be less than mediocre at everything)

He wasn’t the most masculine looking character in the game but, he was all elf.

Elves came out in a bunch of different MMO’s since then and I keep wondering WTF are they thinking.  As far as my A.D.D. let’s me read on Wikipedia, elves are “beautiful” not femme.  But apparently, game companies are having a hard time discerning from the two.

Some time, in between EQ1 and future EQ2, high levels of Estrogen have been pumped into Greater Faydark’s water supply.

Wheres my lipstick?

Where's my lipstick?

Realizing their mistake, SOE promptly made up for it with the wood elves in Vanguard.

Here instead of looking femme, now they look both femme and beaten with a fugly stick.  They are like some funky elf/Michael Jackson hybrid.

Lineage 2 just made the elf girls look so hot, you never even noticed if the game had males.

Shwing!

I made the mistake of trying to make an Elf in WoW on the trial version.  I logged in and found 5 million naked elf chicks running around.

https://i1.wp.com/tardis.webhop.net/crookshankz/elf/wowgirlelf.jpg

5 mill players and all are naked DE girls.

 I immediately logged out and put my head down on my desk.  Somewhere in this cruel world, a kitten was being killed.

 That’s not to say some games didn’t try different avenues.  LoTRo decided Legolas must have been a pimp

Wheres Muh Money?!

Where's Muh Money?!

And finally WAR decided on…

Im from France

I'm from France

Half elf, half conehead.  All stupid.  I have no idea what the thought process was here.

Developers!!!! Listen to me.  If you are having a hard time pumping testosterone into elves perhaps you should just get rid of the guy elves all together.  Just stick with hot female elves.  I’d rather have you do that than mess up a fantasy favorite of mine since I was a kid.

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